The Holiday from Hell
by devilhunter123
Summary: Eva decides to take the family on holiday, but is it really wise to take a devil and two halfdevils on holiday?
1. Chapter 1

**The Holiday from hell**

_Since Eva needed a break from looking after a devil and two half devils. She decided to open up the "holiday fund" which is normally used to pay for new frying pans after they broke when Eva hit Sparda with them._

"£1197, £1198, Dante's hamster, £1199 and £1200!" Eva had been counting for the past four hours but know they finally had enough to take the family on a holiday to Menorca. She decided she'd better get the worst part out of the way first: Telling a Devil and two half devils! Dramatic Music

"Sparda" said Eva in a falsely sweet voice, "you know the jar in the kitchen with the money for the frying pans in it?"

"Yes," replied Sparda cautiously "if it's about Dante's hamster he put it in there, I had nothing to do with it, you can't prove anything, this is a free country!"

"Well we have enough money for a holiday to Menorca, are you allowed in Spain?"

"Don't know," said Sparda getting up off the chair "I'll check the map." And with that he got up off the chair and pulled over a world map and began looking at it, because of all the things Sparda had done he hasn't been allowed into hundreds of countries but he got them colour co-ordinated, if they were red he wasn't allowed in and if they were blue he was allowed in.

He looked towards Europe and Menorca was blue "I'm allowed into Menorca… and also Argentina for some reason!"

"Good, I'll go and tell Dante and Vergil." Said Eva, walking off

"That's suicide Y'know." said Sparda. And he went back to watching "Will and Grace." Eva heard him say "Oh that Jack!"

Since Eva knew she hadn't a hope in hell of getting Sparda to help tell Dante and Vergil so she walked off to their room alone knowing full well what was going to happen.

When she reached the twins room there was a plaque on the door saying "Dante's room: Mon. Wed. and Fri. and Vergil's room: Tue. Thur. and Sat." ignoring this Eva opened the door to the familiar smell of Pizza and Dante (who rarely takes a shower.) when she went inside she found Vergil reading a book "World conquering for dummies." While Dante was playing his ps2 while chewing on a pizza hanging loosely in his mouth they looked up at her when she came in she decided to make this quick "Boys," she said cautiously " we're all going on holiday later this year!" and with that she ran out and bolted down the stairs shouting "MAKE WAY FOR EVA!" a few seconds later an explosion came from Dante and Vergil's room… and it wasn't a good explosion and then there was definite girly screams coming from Dante.

**Three months later**

With the worst of it out of the way Eva could do nothing but look up but this became increasingly difficult as Dante started wearing swimming trunks, a swimming cap, flippers, goggles and a rubber donut ring and Vergil kept pushing him down the stairs because he would bounce all the way down then come back up to get pushed down again.

With only a week to go Eva had everything ready but she also was on the verge of shooting one of them. So Sparda took the boys out to Dominoes for pizza. But before he even told them Dante was already in the car shouting "Pizza, Pizza, Pizza!" After they arrived there Sparda ordered for themselves "One twelve inch pepperoni, one twenty inch pepperoni and three large cokes "Is the twelve inch for them two?" the clerk asked

"No," replied Sparda "it's for me and him." He pointed at Vergil.

"Your kid can down a twenty inch pizza? No way!" the clerk said stunned

"Ya wanna bet?" said Sparda taking advantage of the situation "Twenty pound says he can do it no problem!"

"You're on!" he replied handing Dante the pizza. He finished it in five minutes. Sparda left the place laughing… then screaming as the clerk began chasing him.

When they came home Eva was sleeping on a suitcase since Eva would only wake in an emergency so that's what they would have to do: Sparda knew how she would react if he burned a box of celebrations he'd wake up in hospital with a concussion from a frying pan. So he got Dante to do it.

Since the flight was at seven in the morning Sparda decided to do an all-nighter Dante was with him but that was only because his ass was as red as a strawberry (I wonder what happened there?) and he couldn't sit down let alone sleep, so the two of them just started playing monopoly but got into a fight about who could be the race-car.

At three o' clock Sparda loaded all the bags in the car while Eva fastened Dante and Vergil with straitjackets and tied them to their seats. As recommended by the courts. Because it was a short drive to the airport Sparda only had to put fifty pound into the swear jar and he got a chance to use his big book of swear words that the twins got him for Christmas so all in all in wasn't a complete loss.

When they got into the parking zone it was a violent battle for a parking space. He got into a fight with paramedics about a space near the door. Shockingly he won the fight, so they had gotten the best parking space. After they had unrestrained Dante and Vergil they gave them a suitcase each. They could take them easily (one of the benefits of having half-devil children: they can hold extremely heavy loads… and also fold clothes extremely well.) so they went up to check-in and they were announced that they were now in first class, Sparda was noticing how well this was going. NOW he's worried.

"Eva," said Sparda looking at her, her facial expression was frozen it's almost as though she new "don't you think this is going a bit TOO smoothly?"

"Of course," said Eva, she forced a grin "but don't worry it'll be backed to normal by the time we go through the metal detector."

When they approached the security gate Sparda told the twins to put their bags on the conveyor belt so they could be scanned. Dante began to walk through the metal detector. Sparda held his breath. Nothing happened; it was the same with Vergil. He began to walk through but it went off and he was searched and they found a sword with rebellion written on it "Oh Shit." Said Sparda tonelessly. He looked down to find Dante next to him holding the swear jar. Pissed he put in a fiver then began thinking _you annoying sonuva… _and he saw Vergil holding the "thinking swear jar. Looking at Eva who seemed rather happy this was happening. After the security guards had tackled Sparda, Eva stepped forward "Don't worry," she said looking at the mass pile of security guards "it's just made of rubber! And the detector went off because of his amulet!" and she picked up the rebellion and hit Sparda with it by his neck and his amulet fell off. 'y'see." She said picking up the amulet and showing it to the security guards "this triggered the alarm."

"Okay," said the chief security guard "On you go sorry for the pile on."

"Eva?" said Sparda "why the HELL! Did you hit me with a real sword?"

"I felt like it." She said simply walking on.

After an hour of waiting in the lounge their flight was announced so they went off to boarding, and after they went on the plane all hell breaks loose

_To be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

**The Holiday from Hell: Part 2**

_After finally getting on the plane after a range of incidents the family are sitting down ready for take off and as you'd expect. All hell breaks loose._

Sparda was fidgeting in his seat, he always hated the plane seats they were always uncomfortable mainly because he was always tied to them by Eva (on their honeymoon Eva tied him up and gagged him to stop him complaining) but this was too much. He was stuck with Dante and Vergil, who, even though in their strait jackets were still moving but they kept bumping in to them and the amount of swears Sparda had uttered caused Dante to move to a bigger swear jar (at this rate he could buy that new bike in two weeks and still get change back while Vergil could probably buy a car at the rate of Sparda thinking swears.

After overpowering the twins for whom Sparda believed he deserved a medal for he sat down on his seat and began reading his magazine "Swords for a wasted devil hunter". Eva was walking up the row and she seen Dante and Vergil were reading but something was wrong Vergil was reading "World conquering for dummies" upside down! Eva flipped it the right way up "Oh!" said Vergil softly and resumed reading. Eva noticed Dante was holding a magazine on its side and a fold out fell out Eva could here him muttering "Oh so saucy, look at them toppings and that mozzarella"He was reading the new pizza hut menu.

Eva was sitting beside Sparda looking out the window when he said "I'm going to let them see the cockpit because they are annoying he _hell _out of me!" looking at the overhead compartment because Dante climbed in holding a pizza "How the hell do you get a pizza at 30,000 feet!" exclaimed Sparda, the answer hit him on the head… literally He looked at he box "DIY pizza making" Pissed off he pulled Dante from the overhead compartment and Vergil from mugging an old woman and pulled them off to the cockpit.

After being bored to death in the cockpit the captain let them used their microphone to make an announcement Sparda whispered into Dante's ear. He nodded and whispered into Vergil's ear he nodded too Vergil took the microphone and said in an uncanny voice of the captain "ladies an Gentlemen this is your captain speaking could the fat guy in seat 4D please move to the back of the plane so we won't die!" everyone looked at the person in seat 4d as he got up and went down the aisle to the back of the plane. "No! The other one" came Sparda's voice over the speaker

"Oh right!" Vergil's real voice "the one about the mountains,"

"Ladies and gentlemen," Vergil began "we are about to begin our descent… OH MY GOD WERE GONNA CRASH!" the three of them waited for screaming when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it. It was Eva. Sparda threw a pound on the swear jar and put a twenty in the thinking swear jar and simply said "Oh fuck."

Sparda came to in a daze he was sitting beside him reading a magazine "Why women kill their husbands!" he looked uneasy at her. He decided to initiate conversation "where are the kids?" he said casually

"Sleeping." She said with a touch of malice in her voice "look in front." Sparda looked over and saw the twins crouched over in their seats sleeping. Dante's foot was twitching like a dog and Vergil was mumbling "I will take over the world… get off my foot Dante."

An hour later they got their breakfast which, as all aeroplane food is, crap however Dante seemed to like it Eva asked him how it was possible, he replied "if you close your eyes when you eat it tastes like pizza!"

"Dante," began Vergil "if you were given crap to eat it would taste like pizza afterwards anyway!"

"True, but since when has anyone done that to me?" Dante looked around to his parents and Vergil. Vergil was in silent fits of laughter, Eva was avoiding direct eye contact and Sparda mumbled "I might have done it once or twice, but your mother dared me… OW!" Sparda had recoiled in pain. Eva punched him in the gut.  
"Don't blame me for something that's your fault!" she said, and added in an undertone "even if it is true!"

After they had finished their "breakfast" an announcement came over the speakers saying that they would be arriving in twenty minutes. Just as Eva predicted Dante and Vergil went totally insane so she pulled out two syringes filled with valium and shot them with them they became wet towels: absolutely helpless. However it had an adverse effect on Dante he started singing "Baby got back" and he kept slapping himself on the ass but stopped when Sparda said "Pizza hut"

After they landed they began taxiing on the bus, however the valium was wearing off and Vergil began singing "The wheels on the bus" after they stopped Sparda and Eva got up and picked up Dante and Vergil who couldn't walk at all. When they got off the plane they walked towards baggage collection.

To be continued.

A.N: For the next parts "all hell breaks loose" will be a joke and at the end of the series I'm going to write what would've happened to Sparda and the twins.


End file.
